Marrying the “fallacious particular person” after 20 years!

As soon as once more reporting from Hollywood.

In my earlier “assertion”, I introduced to you the information that Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have been “engaged”. It was the final day of final April.

And on the primary weekend of October of the identical yr, sadly, this time I’ll give a “separation sign” information.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are on the verge of breaking apart!

It hasn’t even been six months but, do not take into consideration what violence is that this, what a majesty.

I suppose that is how issues develop in that area.

From the skin, they appear to have all the pieces to be blissful.

Attractive homes, an excessive amount of cash to spend, all eyes on you whenever you exit, freedom to not work when you do not need to work…

He has a son!

However there may be one factor that’s troublesome to beat in a star marriage or relationship, which I suppose is with the ability to put your personal ego apart.

The rationale why such information doesn’t shock us is that we truly know this deep inside.

I used to be not invited to the engagement and the marriage, so I may take a look at this information of separation as a bit “oh it is occurred” however I’ve a delicate coronary heart, I are inclined to forgive.

After I remembered that Ben Affleck had left Ana De Armas for this marriage, I questioned if the Cuban’s spells brought about this.

It was 20 years in the past when Jennifer and Ben first bought engaged. I did not neglect the two million 500 thousand greenback solitaire that the boy placed on the lady.

Two days earlier than their wedding ceremony, which was September 2003, they postponed the marriage and separated quickly after.

But they satisfied us that they’d a really passionate love affair.

Then they bought engaged once more final April, after which they bought married in a legendary three-day wedding ceremony.

And now comes the information of separation. Stunned? I wasn’t actually stunned.

I have no idea what number of ears our grasp Ahmet Rasim warned, however I’ll repeat it as soon as once more: “If there are individuals who mustn’t marry one another, it’s they who’re in love with one another.” This can be a phrase that ought to by no means be quoted by those that need to write a ebook on “the key of a contented marriage.”

In line with the information of Radar On-line, Bennifer’s kinfolk (together with referring to the couple as Bennifer by combining the names Jennifer and Ben) say they’re again to “the realities of life” after a romantic European honeymoon.

His kinfolk describe it as “waking up from a dream”.

The arguments between the couple elevated, Jennifer even began to mix into the person’s garments, “disturbed by the mess”.

I do not know what Mr. Ben stated about this job, however I might wager he is simply as “irritable” for inconsequential causes as Jennifer was.

It is trivial, as a result of variations of opinion on such issues aren’t actually sufficient to maintain a relationship from collapsing.

There’s one other basic downside, and the escalation of those trivial issues masks the actual downside, prevents it from being talked about, lastly to the arm of the plug basket, everybody in their very own manner!

I additionally wager that {couples} who’ve to interrupt up after such issues are additionally stunned by this.

* * *

The title of Alain de Botton’s New York Occasions article was: “Why are you going to marry the fallacious particular person?”

On the time the article was written, Botton’s ebook “Classes of Love” had simply been printed. And whereas the title would possibly sound like an ominous prophecy, it stemmed from a sequence of logical deductions. This ebook

It was printed in Turkish with the interpretation of Özge Çelik. (Flood Publishing)

The New York Occasions editors had an illustration drawn for the article.

This five-frame illustration by Marion Fayolle was as follows:

Within the first body, a younger lady in a white costume begins to attract an image of a person on a bit of paper of her personal measurement.

We deduce that she is a bride or a bride-to-be from the lady’s white costume and the flower bouquet in her hand.

Within the second body, the lady kisses the image of the person she drew on the lips.

Within the third body, simply because the princess kisses the frog and turns it right into a good-looking prince, alive and bloody from the again of the paper, a person who would not look very like a prince emerges, beginning to curl the image from the highest.

Within the fourth body, the image drawn by the lady turns right into a crumpled piece of paper within the man’s hand, whereas the lady drops the flower in her hand.

Within the fifth body, the crumpled paper on which the flower and the image have been drawn, at her toes, the boy hugged the lady, the lady rested her head on the boy’s chest with a tragic expression.

A sort of “Goals Ferrari, actuality Falcon” state of affairs, you’ll perceive.

Within the ebook that impressed this text, Alain de Botton writes, “Love is the admiration for the qualities of the lover that promise to right our weaknesses and imbalances. It’s a quest for achievement.”

★ ★ ★

I do not know if you happen to imagine in one thing referred to as “love at first sight”.

However the variety of believers have to be greater than those that don’t imagine, as a result of thousands and thousands of flicks and TV sequence made on this fundamental precept are watched, their songs are memorized, and their novels are learn.

I personally do not imagine it.

I believe what we really feel “at first sight” have to be a “sexual attraction”, not love.

Love is a course of work as a result of it would not fall on one’s head whereas crossing the highway.

I need you to know that after I say sexual attraction, I’m not speaking about simply sexuality. It is laborious to elucidate precisely why a person or lady feels drawn to somebody. This can be a query that, if we ask individuals, we would get as many various solutions because the variety of individuals we ask.

The rationale for this attraction could also be eyebrows-eyes for some, stature for some, intelligence-mind for some, profession-fame for some.

As an instance that those that say “eyebrow-eye” kind the biggest group, we will discover a whole bunch of subsets in them.

The method begins after this shot.

It’s such an attraction that cease resisting it, quite the opposite, it turns right into a want to soften into the particular person in entrance of us and disappear.

We think about in him options that he maybe by no means had.

That is how we get to the “Love is blind” stage.

He’s the perfect of all the pieces. She’s stunning, she’s good, she’s good, she’s charming, she’s dazzling, she’s witty, she’s that, she’s that.

And so do the delusions about how such an ideal creature may like a wretched, incompetent like us.

That is partly the explanation for jealousy crises.

Whereas, if we ask the opposite particular person what he thinks about these inadequacies we really feel, the reply we’ll in all probability get will probably be a pair of blankly staring eyes.

As a result of he already thinks the alternative. Identical to our ideas about it.

However nobody dares to ask this actual query, as a substitute he begins pretending. We write a state of affairs primarily based on our guesses about what the opposite particular person needs, and we play it.

He does the identical.

Then they are going to attain their want, we’ll go to their carriage.

Even when we have now internalized a few of the issues we play as roles over time and make them part of our character, the ability and energy of taking part in video games additionally come to an finish, the details start to emerge one after the other.

A interval when Ferrari became Şahin, and the being we glorified as “good man” or “good lady” started to be like itself.

Ingenuity is then about getting used to residing with it.

Romance is over.

Right here is the reply to Alain de Botton’s query within the title, younger individuals:

You’ll marry the fallacious particular person, as a result of he isn’t somebody you’ve created in your goals, who doesn’t exist in any respect, however an actual particular person, bloody-alive, with good points in addition to deficiencies, not a dream.

And do not forget that the person or lady who’s going to marry you has made the identical mistake, and he or she married the fallacious particular person. I appear to listen to that there are those that ask, “What’s going to occur now, let’s get divorced instantly”.

No, this will not be essential.

The essential factor is to have the ability to hold the stability between your expectations and actuality.

Let’s wrap it up with a sonnet from Shakespeare, translated by Talat Sait Halman:

“I do not name love love

If he turns astray, when he sees a change,

If he turns to a different manner, as a result of the lover has gone astray.

Love isn’t the jester of time,

Although the rose-faced ones migrate, falling into their sickle

With these unchanging fleeting days, weeks,

It can resist and endure till the top of the apocalypse.”

(I quoted this sonnet from Asuman Kafaoğlu Büke’s critique of Alain de Botton, printed in Cumhuriyet Kitap.)

This text by Mehmet Y. Yılmaz was taken from the Oxygen newspaper.